life lately
every day i wake up and think about writing, and every day it seems harder to bring myself to. so many thoughts race though my head at every moment but the ten different notebooks on my desk sit empty. i’ve retreated into life lately, surrounding myself with permanence for the first time
2025 was a major shift for me. i travelled to budapest, vienna, nyc, bought a house, and reconsidered everything i’ve ever created as an artist. i’ve spent more time in nature than ever, and become best friends with the deer in my backyard. i’ve surrounded myself with friends that i cherish deeply, but don’t always feel understood by. that’s okay though, that’s honestly not even an expectation i place on myself
i’ve listened to more music than ever. i’ve always known this, but this is the year i truly confirmed that my creative flow is directly tied to the amount of music i consume. i went through months of listening to nothing and feeling nothing, but when i listen to something i feel everything
i’ve made money, i’ve lost money. i made a lot of money, actually - always more than i expect. $37,000 to the IRS slips through your fingers like sand. god bless america
i’ve realized my art exists beyond mediums. the word ‘transcend’ feels too self-inflating, but what i’ve come to understand is that i no longer feel the need to prove my skillset in any capacity. certainly not for the approval of other people
honestly, my entire trajectory as an artist has been a rejection of recognition. i post on every platform in every capacity possible, out of some constant yearning to prove to myself that i can do anything, fit into any context, master any platform, bend any algorithm to my will. i spend months building houses out of twigs and cat hair, just to burn it down the moment people start to crowd around me. and it always happens, because i’m good at everything i do
sometimes it makes me feel like an imposter of myself. do i really enjoy everything i do, or is every creative pursuit just an attempt escape from my own expectations? did i start making music because i was afraid of only being known as an illustrator?
one of my favorite parts of making music was that initially, i placed zero expectations on myself. it was my escape from the pressure i felt as an illustrator, a way to be bad at something and not feel the need to set myself on fire because of it. but then i realized i was good at that too, and the same expectations began to creep in
am i afraid of becoming so recognized for one thing in particular that i’m placed in a box by other people, or am i just terrified of being the one to put myself in a box?
2025 taught me that i hate the idea of mediums. mediums are just a means to an end, and my goal as an artist is to be able to translate my feelings into any medium possible
my third album is almost finished, and i’m starting to enjoy drawing again. fingers crossed, i can enjoy writing too
life is beautiful :) these are the kinds of anxieties that make me feel alive
deep down, i think what i’m truly afraid of is the moment i stop feeling them altogether
